Hey.
I'm here. I don't know for how long, but I AM here. Let's talk about some shizz before I get into any deeper crap.
- I'm Bisexual.
- Almost in highschool now. What a great way to remind me of my mortality.
- I've been writing lyrics and making beats for the past few months.
- The Ugly Mario is dead. No more. Byebye.
Now, onto the more serious shit. You know my old pixel art? Gone. The moment I publish this post, it's all going to be gone. The audio will stay, but for the most part, I wanna start new. So, if there's anything from that catalogue that you like, too bad so sad, cry me a river. I find my old art to be cringier than having to sit through the whole Demondice discography.
Now, onto more personal things. Imma put a trigger warning before it though. Just to be safe.
TW: Mental Health, Suicidal Ideation, Self Harm, Pornography, Addiction, etc.
So... I've been doing... not so great to say the least. Mentally, of course. Let's get the big one out of the way, about a year ago, I tried to start cutting my arms due to he immense mental anguish and pain I was feeling at the time. I hear it helps relieve stress and take away the pain, but not for me. I tried, almost got CAUGHT by my dad, and never tried it again. Why did I do this? Well, I'll tell you. For a while, I've been struggling to keep up with schoolwork because of my own laziness. I never finish it completely. I always leave some over, either for the next day, or because I forgot about it. Everytime I come home, either my mom or dad will ask "Did you finish your homework?". I'd always reply with "Yes", despite knowing that I'm lying. I've been caught in this lie multiple time a and yet I continue to do it. I continue to pull this bullshit on my parents, expecting a different result. I don't know why, but I do. It's caused me to try to be more responsible, but everytime I try, I always slip back into old habits. It sucks. It makes me feel useless and makes me feel like I don't love my parents because, If I did, I wouldn't be doing this bullshit to them. They don't deserve that, so why do I keep doing it? Truth be told as pure as gold, I don't have a fucking clue. Maybe I'm insane, but this only scratches the surface. There's also a time when a, twelve year old Kevin, I think, decided it would be a good idea that, during the break between 5th and 6th grade, to use the SCHOOL COMPUTERS that we had to use during the whole virtual shit, to play games on newgrounds and look at FUCKING PORN. Pun intended. I got caught by my dad, who proceeded to beat me with my XBox One, asking "Why?! What the FUCK made you think this shit was a good Idea for you?! You're a fuckin child!" Understandably, he broke my Wii U in front of me as well. About thirty minutes later, I finished getting ready for bed and he was sitting on my desk chair, leaning forward. I knew we were going to have a talk, but I'd assume it didn't go the way he wanted it to. He kept asking me the question "Where do we go from here?" At that moment, my whole WORLD had been rocked, so I didn't know to respond. I just said, "I don't know", not understanding the question. He then clarified, "What can I even do to punish you?" I said "I don't know." Truth be told, I really didn't know. Keep the phrases, "I don't know." and "Where do we go from here?" in mind. It's important. He then asked, "How do you feel right now?". I answered how I felt at that moment. "I feel scared, guilty, and sad." Then, I said the stupidest FUCKING thing ANYONE on the Earth has ever said. "I'm sad because all my progress on my Wii U is gone." Just writing that down made me want to just quit, dude. Like, actually, I am so fucking dumb. This rightfully pissed off my dad and mom, who'd entered the room at that moment. I was sent to bed immediately. The next morning, my mom was waiting on the living room couch, wanting to talk to me. She said "Do you know how fucking much it pisses me and your dad off to know that after ALL THIS, you care about your shitty little game?" I said, "Yes", now in a clear state of mind after crying myself to sleep the night prior, which I shouldn't have even been able to do because I don't deserve to let out any emotion after that. She sent me next door with my grandparents so she could go to work and that was the end of that. Next year, 3rd quarter of 6th grade, I'm doing dumb shit again. At this point, I'm failing most of my classes. My dad walks in on me watching a Twitch stream. I quickly switch the tabs, but by that point it was too late. He shows my mom and she takes me into her car and we start to drive to wherever we end up, because not even the fairy-fuckin'-godmother could tell you our destination. She started to have a meltdown, asking "What did I do to deserve this?! Where did I go wrong with you?!" I tried to assure her it was a problem with me, but she kept saying "No, it HAS to be my fault because I did something wrong while raising you, so tell me what it is!" I sid, "I don't know." She said, "That's not an answer!", as most parents do to their child responding with that. I few minutes later, she asked me that fateful question, "Where do we go from here?!" This time, I had answers. I said "You could send me to boot camp or something." and "You can just ground me again." She said "No, because you'd still be taken care of to some capacity. Same with reporting you to the police. They'd still have to feed you and give you a place to sleep." She then asked "How come you didn't say that you could go home and try again?" At this point, I thought it was over and she was kicking me out for good, so I thought home was off the table. About less than a minute passes and she asks "Where do you want to be dropped off?" I really thought that this as it and she was going to leave me. I say "Anywhere." She then stops the car and tells me to get out of her car. "GET THE FUCK OUT! GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY CAR!" Because of the questions she'd just been asking me and here new tone of voice, I thought she was serious and start to get out of the car. She stops me and hits my leg saying "Are you fucking KIDDING ME?! YOU WERE SO FAST TO GET OUT OF THE FUCKING CAR!" I said "I thought you were being serious." She yelled at me more. A few more minutes later, she asks "Do you love me? Do you not love your own mother?" I said "Yes, I did.", unaware that I said "did" instead of "do". She says "Oh, so you don't anymore?!" I say "That's not what I mean", and this whirls her into a frenzy, as she asks me more questions and I keep saying "I don't know" because I really don't know. She says "You better stop fucking saying that or else I'm gonna speed up the car and crash, understand?!" I then try to come up with answers as best I can. Finally she says "Do you think we're stupid?!" I say, "No." She says "Clearly you do because you think you can pull this shit on your parents!" We then arrive in the parking lot of the apartment complex we live in. She the hits me again and asks "Why don't you fucking listen?! When we tell you to do something, like, I don't know, FOCUSING, just FUCKING DO IT!" We walk into the apartment and I get sent to bed. This. THIS is why I tried to harm myself. Because I do stupid shit like THIS to people who don't deserve it, which makes me wish I was never born so I wouldn't hurt anyone else. This next incident is fairly recent, happening about a month ago. One of the guys of my friends group says "I figured out how to unblock everything!" OF course Online Sequencer had been blocked at the time, so I wanted to get my hands back into music. I let him do his magic, but he told me "Now, I can't show you or tell you how to do this. Only me and [Insert name here] can know how to do this." TUrns out, this was a lie, as [Insert name here] got it from someone else, who showed him, who showed the other person in our circle that was talking to me at the moment. The first guy wasn't in any of my classes, but a WAS part of [Insert name here]'s classes. Little did we know but by disabling the thing that blocks sites, it also disabled this piece of software that is able to see students' screens. This was turned off for all of us in our group. A few days later of this and we get caught in math class by two staff members. We get our computers taken away and inspected. However, one member of our group was at home that day because it was his birthday the day before. He was our lifeline, so we called him because we had a... very INCRIMINATING Google Slides Presentation that all of us were on, including the guy who was at home. We got him on a call, gave him our login info, and had him delete anything suspicious from our files. Still don't know if school staff found out and are just waiting to reveal it, but we'll see. That friday, one of the staff members calls us out of math class. Now, at that point, I was having minor panic attacks throughout my first two classes and devised a suicide plan. Either I was going to stab myself with a pencil or was going to wallow some sharp plastic to take the cowards' way out. So, the staff member calls us into the hallway, informing us she'd called our parents. She told us it was our first offense so we wouldn't be getting suspended, but our parents would still be really upset. She handed us a form that allowed us to get out computers back if our parents signed their names on it. I get home to my parents and I just sit in my room, waiting. Waiting for the inevitable. I wrote a short poem in the meantime. I forgot how it went, though. Soon, my mom comes home and we have another talk, this time about how I managed to hack into the computers to unblock everything. I tried to tell her I didn't do it and that it was of my will. I wasn't forced to have them do it to my computer, it was by choice, but both my mom and my dad kept driving home the point of "Not being a follower." I still got grounded and moved on. Now, recently, and I mean RECENTLY, like, we're talking YESTERDAY, I was having another one of those "Off days". You know, those days were you feel so out of it and can't focus on anything no matter how hard you try? Yep, on of those. It was getting to the point where I started to feel slow because I was working so slow and couldn't focus. This hurt even more because I'm in the advanced classes, which are for the smarter kids. It made me feel stupid, undeserving, and useless, and when I feel useless, I feel dumb, and when I feel dumb, I want to die. I want to die for being a worthless piece of scum who's trying not to burst into tears in front of his whole math class for being such an idiot. I cried myself to sleep last night, having everything hit me like a freight train. Everything mentioned before and now this just made me feel so... done. I felt suicidal, which wouldn't be the first time. After all these situations, I felt that way. I felt useless, stupid, and like an uncaring evil person. Everything, from my porn addiction, to self esteem issues, to questioning why I'm even alive, to not wanting to see my loved ones die before me has dragged me into the state I'm in right now.
So, yeah.
I'm sure there's still stuff I forgot to mention, but that's pretty much the gist of it. I don't know how frequent I'll be posting, but yeah. Sorry if I made you all depressed and shit, but yeah. I'll go do my homework now. Peace.